Good morning. Have a funny day!
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Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Wise Words from my Doctor
My doctor explained to me regarding questions on food and nutrition...
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent
me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
AND . . . .
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent
me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
AND . . . .
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
New Stock Market Terms
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Broker -- What my broker has made me.
Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
Market Correction -- The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Yahoo -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
Windows -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
Profit -- An archaic word no longer in use.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Broker -- What my broker has made me.
Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
Market Correction -- The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Yahoo -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
Windows -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
Profit -- An archaic word no longer in use.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Little Johnny from the zoo
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
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